I’d like to speak with a human, please

Last month, I posted a link to Design By Humans, a new t-shirt shop built on the premise that people are important — their designers, printers, customers and fans. I purchased several shirts. It’s been five weeks and still no package. I emailed them back to ask for help, and after reading their reply I realized that while their shirts might be designed by humans, their customer service sure wasn’t:

Hello Zach,

Thank you for your recent communication on your lost package that we had sent to you. We have researched this incident and have concluded that your package was in fact delivered to the following address at 02:46 PM on 11/21/2007:

[ address redacted]

In an effort to protect the interests of our customers such as yourself, and prior to taking further action in correcting the situation, we are required to inform you that it is a violation of the Mail Fraud and Postal False Representations Statutes (Title 18, U.S. Code, Section 1341; Title 39, U.S. Code, Section 3005) to use the U.S. Postal Service to order merchandise with the intent not to pay for it or to make false claims of nonreceipt. Any violations of these statutes is a federal offense and is referred to the U.S. Postal Inspection Service for investigation.

We have filled out the paperwork required by the U.S. Postal Service for their claims department and simply need you to respond to this email to confirm that we have informed you that Mail Fraud and Postal False Representation are a federal offense. In receiving a confirmation from you, we are in no way accusing you of any violations, nor are you admitting to any. Once we receive a confirmation from you, we will be able to file the claim and continue forward with a full refund or re-shipment of your order. As this is a required procedure for all lost packages, we appreciate your patience and understanding.

In your response email, please let us know if you would like a refund or a re-shipment of your order.

Thanks again for your assistance and cooperation. We value you as a customer.

Sincerely,

Design By Humans Claims Department